There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

It's pretty common knowledge that Granny does not have the best hearing. She is also known for asking inane questions, making pointless comments, and speaking for the sole purpose of eliciting some kind of response. So in a way, she really is asking for it. IT would be the awful little game that I play with Granny and her horrible hearing.
Granny: "Now where are you going?"
Me: "To kill some hookers"
Granny: "The post office? Oh, I have some mail too!"

Granny: "Where's your dad?"
Me: "Dead"
Granny: "So early? wow, he must be tired."

Granny: "Where were you all day?"
Me: "Vivisecting puppies."
Granny: "Gettin groceries?"
Me: "Yeah"

Sometimes I genuinely am telling the truth and Granny still can't understand me, so I just agree with whatever she says because it's so much easier than arguing.

"Oh, don't forget I have an eye appointment on Tuesday"
"You mean Thursday. Thursday at 11"
"That's right, 11"
"On Thursday."
"Tuesday at 11. We can go to the bakery afterwards"
'Okay."

"Oh, is that In-N-Out?"
"Yeah"
"They made such a fuss in the paper when In-n-Out was coming to town. They has a picture of cars lining up around the block just to get a hamburger."
"Do you want to stop and get a hamburger?"
"Okay. I think they were created by some old lesbian women in Southern California"
"What?!?!"
'Yeah, and that's why Marge likes them so much- because it was started by women."
"They're actually kind of religious...they have proverbs printed on all their cups and stuff"
"Because they're lesbian."
"Okay."

I also tend to see how much I can make her believe me. This happens a lot, particularly when she asks particularly stupid questions or is just downright annoying me.

For instance, I just got home after discovering not one, but TWO Thai markets in the uber ghetto. I have been aching to make some of my sweet, sweet Asian dishes, so I splurged on things to make Vietnamese Spring rolls, Thai tea, prawn salad- noodles, sauces, fresh herbs, etc. Granny came into the kitchen to poke around and start taking things out of bags so she could see them.
"Oh, where did you go?"
"Thai supermarket"
"Is all this Thai food?"
"Thai/Vietnamese-ish."
"Oh, and what are you going to make with it?"
"Italian."
"Italian?"
'Yeah."
"Oh, I didn't know they used the same ingredients."
'Oh yeah, Thailand colonised Italy in the 14th century."
'Wow, I learn something new everyday!"

Normally I try to restrain myself when company is around, but sometimes I can't help it. I remember when Scottie was here and we were preparing to leave for town so that he could buy up some quality American merchandise before flying home where everything is twice as much. Granny caught us as were were making for the door.
"Now where are you going?"
"Into town, bye."
'Hold on, now, why are you going into town?"
'We're going to Kohls."
"What are you buying at Kohls?"
'Nothing. Bye."
'No, wait. Why are you going to Kohls if you aren't going to buy anything."
"I' m not, Scottie is."
"Scottie!?!? What does he need to buy at Kohls?" (FYI- Kohls is like a Macys or Debenhams, only 187 times cheaper. Levis are $28-$32, Vera Wang towels are like $10! They just sell clothes and shoes and a few home furnishings like picture frames, candles, and posh frying pans.)
"A chainsaw."
"A chainsaw? Why does he need a chainsaw?"
"They don't sell them in Scotland."
"Really? Then how do they cut down trees?"
"With axes. "
"But how will he get a chainsaw on the plane?"
Before I could go on, Scottie came to my grandma's rescue and told her that I was only joking, and that he was going to buy jeans and shoes. Then we ran out the door before she could ask any more questions.

I started to do the same thing with mom, but she catches on quicker and isn't as guillible. I know that this will probably happen to me too in 40 years, and I only hope I'm as entertaining.