There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

One of the things that I really don't get about people is how tenacious they are to park their car as close as humanly possible to the store's entrance.

This is especially bad in the ghetto city of Linda, where locals and Marysvillians gather at the Super Wal-Mart to shop since silly things like grocery stores or non-conglomerates don't exist.

Even though I was home for only two months, I think I visited the Linda Super Wal-Mart at least 4 times, and every time was the same: I scooted into the first parking space I could see, but everyone else slowly trolled the parking lanes, looking for that one space that was that much closer to the front doors. The worst I saw was a truck that waited for several minutes for another car to leave just so it could be TWO spaces closer. I mean, come on! There are empty spaces ALL AROUND and this truck chose to idle in the middle of the lane for at least 3 minutes just waiting around for some old lady to back out so it could park 10 feet closer.

And these people who shop regularily at the Super Wal-Mart aren't exactly what you would call the fittest of the fit. If any thing, they desperately need to park as far away from the store enterance in order to squeeze in a few more feet of excercise. But no. Instead they circle the parking lot like sharks, looking for that one sweet spot. Then they waddle in and immedately grab the motorised shopping cart.

This normally wouldn't bother me, but they are SO rude! They drive around like the aisles of Wal-Mart are express freeways, and then HONK at you if you're in their way of putting more Oreos in their cart. Umm, just because you're fat doesn't mean you have the right of way in a store...if I have to bide my time waiting for an oppertunity to scoot my cart around you in the snack food aisle, then you can very well bide your time waiting for me to pick out a 0 trans-fat/low sugar cereal in the breakfast food asile, thank you very much.

So once again, I woke up early. Like 4:30am. I laid in bed and pretended that I was on some reality TV show and made to do an endurance trial called "keep your eyes closed for as long as possible and pretend you're asleep". This didn't turn out so well. I could hear the traffic outside slowly picking up, and knew that being bored in bed with my eyes closed was futile, so at 7:00 am, I got up, made a bagel, and fiddled around online. At 9:00, I figured I was pretty cold from being out in the living room sans heat, and went back to cuddle in Scottie's warmth. And passed out dead cold. It took a GREAT effort for me to pull myself out of bed at 12:00.

This seriously can not keep happening! I have never had issues with coming back to the UK before, and found it pretty easy to fall into a normal sleeping routine. Ugh! I am thinking of going to out buy sleeping pills like Melatonin. It's not falling asleep at night that's the problem, it's staying asleep once I do.

Being back in the Burgh, while fabulous, is also really really strange. This always happens when I leave for several months and come back. On the one hand, I feel like I am home. On the other, I need to readjust.


My key is old and looks like it's from a period piece, my brain needs to shift back to hearing Scottish accents, and while I know which streets to take to get me places, the shops have changed- no more Woolworths across the street, a new bakery over there, the restaurant behind us converted into a Chicken Cottage. It's being in this limbo where I feel like I'm home- but not at the same time.

Which is why I throw myself into as many familiar things as I can. One of my bestest friends in the UK is coming over tonight to see me and we're making dinner. Tomorrow I am having tea with my old flatmate from 1st/3rd year and possibly my dissertation supervisor. This weekend I am seeing Scottie's parents, and the following I am running away to Fife to help my other 1st/3rd year flatmate learn about super tiny coastal villiage towns. Another part of it is I am scared to start looking for a job and want to procrastinate and have excuses for another week. But being thown into the lives of others is how I re-orient myself to being somewhere new (or newish) and in turn, it helps re-ground and establish myself out of limbo and back into a norm.

Hopefully, I'll be right back where I was 2 months ago!

Right, well last night sort of failed. After that last post of how I was up and active at 4 am, I went back to bed, pretended to sleep, and before you knew it, I was out like a light and having major difficulties getting myself up at 8:30. So I made it 9. Now it's half 1 and I feel like crashing again.

I wanted to get this out before it was too late: I have the BEST people in my life EVER!

Really really. I feel so so so lucky to have the people I have in my life. And now they are scattered between the UK and the US.

I've always known that I have amazing friends, but last weekend totally proved it. My friend Marie decided to drive 4 hours North in the POURING rain and storm see me for a day and a half and take me to the airport. Hardcore! I told her that she totally didn't have to do it, but she said that she would walk to Sacramento if she had to to see me before I left. Awwww.....because I seriously don't think that I'm worth all that trouble.

Melissy did the same thing the previous weekend, minus the trip to the airport.

And Scottie busted out all the stops and sent me an AMAZING dozen red rose bouquet for Valentines day, even though he knew that I would only get to enjoy them for 3 days. And what makes this gesture even bigger is the fact that it took hardcore research to get this done. I live in the UBER boonies, our address doesn't even register with google as existing, and there is certainly no florist nearby. So when I tried to send my grandma flowers for Christmas, it failed miserably since UPS or whatever delivery service couldn't find my address. Scottie had to reserach florists in a 20 mile radius to find one that (a) existed, and (b) would deliver. And he did. He also took the day off before my arrival to clean the flat and make it awesome. Clean, fresh sheets, towels, brand new toilet seat, everything dusted, hoovered, and polished. And he made me a most delicious meal, then tucked me up and spooned me the whole night while I slept.

Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have such awesome people in my life. Now, if only they would all get amazing jobs and then employ me... ;)
xx

At 5:15pm GMT, approximately 24 hours after I got in a car and headed to Sacramento Int., I touched down in at the Edinburgh airport. I always LOVE flying into Edinburgh because unlike other places, where the airports are out in the boonies and show new people flying in air views of scrap piles and mud flats, Edinburgh is LOVELY. You see Arthur's Seat, the Castle, and quite a few stately homes as you descend among green fields. Ahh.

Now first of all, I want to say that I don't believe in Jet Lag. I feel that when it comes to this 'jet lag', it's a mind over matter type thing. But you can take certain measures to make sure that you adjust your mind properly- try to sleep on the plane, stay up until at least 10:00pm, and make it a habit of going to bed at around the same time every night.

That being said, I was up at 4:00 am hungry and looking for toast. Now it's about 5:30 am and I'm bored. I don't believe this is jet lag, but excitement. And...hunger. And...boredom.

Anyway, being home is fantastic. Even though I have only been away two months, I feel like it's been ages. I've forgotten where we keep the nail clippers, just how tiny out bathroom is, and how AMAZING our bed is.

Scottie went all out to make sure I came home to a clean and tidy place. He even went out and bought a new toilet seat because our old one was getting pretty rank...so I came home to a flat cleaner than I've ever seen it. Then, as I moved like a zombie through the flat, putting away my luggage and trying not to fall asleep, he made me a fantastic dinner of creamy garlic Shrimp linguine- just as I requested 3 days ago.

Naturally, the drunks that love to walk by our flat singing, swearing, and breaking bottles have not gone away, and I attribute some of my waking-up-ness to listening to them, but in a way they are also comforting because it means I'm back.

I'll try to get some more sleep in now, then spend the rest of the day unpacking, buying necessities (like bagels and cheese!) and getting ready to made dinner tonight. I have to say, the one thing I really loved about being at the Ranch was that my parents cooked every night and I never had to worry about what to eat. I'll worry about that in 13 more hours.

At Sacramento International Airport. See, you can track my arduous voyage, curtsey of BookMyMammogram.com and their sweet WiFi.

21 hours left!

Scottie says that there are plenty of seats availible for my LA connecting flight, so hopefully I will be enjoying copious bloody marys and fine dining cuisine while spread out in my air bed. Fingers crossed!

The one regret I have is that I didn't get to fit in some Pho. I am sooo craving that! But I did get my Mexican and Beef Ribs fix! And with any luck, Scottie and I will be returning to CA in April with his parents in tow!

Or something like that. Yes, in 2 and a half hours, I begin my trek back home to the land of kilts, haggis, and Andy Murray.

My friend (one of the bestest one in the world!) drove all the way up from Cazadaro ( 4 hours away) just to see me before I left. She also agreed to drive me to the airport on her way back home. Double score!

So in about 2 hours ( still need to get dressed), we'll depart from this here ranch en route to greener pastures.

All the air crashes have not been good for my psyche. But I will endure. 31 hours and counting....

Today was full of mixed emotions, all of them pertaining to geography. I started the day out seeing the beautiful snow covered hills and trees of GV, and ended it driving through the remarkably impoverished town of Honcut, where old Victorian mansions, complete with marble statues in the yard, sit next to decrepit trailers. I also witnessed a small doggy, the size of a medium handbag, twitching on the side of the road in the last throes of a painful death.

Yeah, that was tragic.

But what got me really mad (after I tried to get the image of the squirming doggy out of my head) is how people choose to live. I have never seen the extent of trash and debris thrown haphazardly around so many yards. I swear, landfills are more sanitary and less over-run with rubbish.

And I say choose because the people who lived there let it get that bad. I know that the economy if bad, that probably all of these people are on welfare, and that they might not have any other choice than to live in a trailer. Even a trailer that is rusting to death, is missing windows, and leaks is beater than nothing at all. I get that. But why, if you're living in such extreme poverty, is it allowable to let your trash accumulate to such overwhelming measures? Obviously the 3 cars missing various parts ended up in your yard somehow, as did the broken trampoline, the various plastic oddities, the large rusted frames, the stained mattress with the springs poking through, and the unknown amount of scrap wood, metal, wires, and broken unidentifiable oddities. And this doesn't' even include the trash from normal living: the cans, bottles, cigarette butts, fast food and candy bar wrappers, and newspapers. What- so you're poor and therefore can't use a broom?

This is a CLEAN trailer, the likes of which would fit in perfectly well in Honcut.


Seriously, this is what most of the houses looked like. Except the area around them was a quagmire of trash- filled death, waiting to spread tetanus to any small child playing on their busted bike in front.

Even this place is SUPER CLEAN compared to how these people were living.

I have some ideas! Despite the fact that you live in such a rural location that there is no garbage removal (meaning that you don't pay for it), be like everyone else and take your garbage to the dump. Oh, you can't afford the $5 to dump your trash every time you go? Then do what I used to do and fill a plastic carrier bag with your trash and then throw it away in city trash cans/ dumpster every time you go into town for food. And I know that you eat because because meals on wheels doesn't exist this far out, and gee, there are an awful lot of cigarette packets and chip bangs lying around...and they don't fall out of the sky! Instead of letting those carrier bags decorate your trees, use them to throw away your trash! Hell, USE ALL THOSE BOTTLES AND CANS that are littering the place to redeem CRV- I'm sure you'd get enough money back to pay for your dump run.

Small children + rusty barbed wire+ broken glass = not toys! What costs more, filling your truck up with all that dangerous material and spending the $5 to go to the dump ( cost the same as what you're smoking!) or taking your child to the hospital because he has tetanus/gangrene and you're unemployed, have no insurance, and will get pulverised by medical bills.

If you need to have all that scrap in your yard, give it a function, at least! That pile of nail filled 2x4s can be cut into smaller chunks for firewood. Those old posts can be used as a fence or to support your sagging wall. Be inventive so that at least the scrap is being used to make your house more effective as a living space rather than a refuse space.

Just because you live in a trailer doesn't mean you can't have pride in creating a home. And the thing that kills me the most is that MOST OF THESE TRAILERS HAVE DISH SATELLITE!

Yes, they choose to NOT remove their trash, to NOT care about the hordes of rats they are breeding, to let their homes decay into squalid living conditions, but CHOOSE to pay like $50 a month or so to watch 17 and Counting on TLC.

PRIORITIES?!?! Can you not also use that money to buy a window for your trailer so that you don't have to keep using that piece of plywood you found? It will keep it warmer inside and stop mould from taking over! Can you not use that money to buy a broom? They sell them for a dollar at the dollar store. It will help keep the rats, skunks, and opossums from spreading rabies to your child!

There actually does exist a world that doesn't revolve around TV. Books from the library are FREE. Hell, if you're shady like me, you can steal magazines from laundry mats (you don't have to use the laundry mat, just take it's reading material). Spending the night knitting is FREE, and you can get cheap needles and yarn from all those charity shops...it might make quitting METH a bit easier while providing hats, scarves, blankets, etc to keep you warm. Functional!

As much of a liberal hippie that I am, I still believe that people should take responsibility for their choices and to make the best out of life when it starts sucking. But it seems like it's the people who don't even care enough about how they live who make the biggest sob that life is against them, that the government doesn't do enough, and that their trailer of vile drudgery is the fault of anyone but themselves, who really piss me off. There is always help available, but you have to have the incentive to take it. Stop blaming others for your mistakes, and start using that energy to work towards a productive future. You might not have money, you might be living in a second hand trailer that had seen it's better days 30 years ago, eating tinned food from a food bank and wearing someone else's hand-me downs, but you have nothing to be ashamed about if you've worked hard to turn your situation into the best option available. Choosing DISH tv over basic sanitation is NOT an example of the best available option.

Everyone in the UK has been enjoying snow for the past couple of weeks, and it's made me very annoyed that I'm not there to enjoy it. I may be a NorCal girl, but you still have to drive up into the higher elevations to actually see any snow, so my only real snow experiences have been those rare occasions when it snows and sticks in Edinburgh- something that I can only remember happening once, 4 years ago. Scottie's parents even drove me up to the Cairngorms to see snow last year because they wanted me to see some snow over the Christmas holiday. Awww.

So last night was an experience! My mom had a doctor's appointment in Grass Valley, the closest thing we have up here to a "city." And it's up around 2,500/3,000 ft. elevation. Now, last night at around midnight, the radio dude announced that it was snowing between GV and PV, at around 2,000 elevation. So I was hoping to at least see some snow.

We start out and it is PISSING down rain. Hardcore. As we enter GV, it's still raining, but that quickly changes. By the time we got out of the hospital, our car looked like this:
Meanwhile, my dad is phoning like crazy telling us to get out NOW or else we would be snowed in. He works near by and had high tailed it out of there before the inches piled up. Well...we tried. Problem is, my mom has NEVER driven in snow before, and our car was slipping and sliding all over the place. Plus, we don't have chains, so our traction was nada. We were forced to pull over and wait it out.Eventually we managed to slip and slide our way down to a gas station, where we were in walking distance of a taco shop. We ate, then waited some more. Eventually, after 3 hours, the roads looked manageable. We slipped down to the freeway and managed to flee.

ZOMG! BESTEST SHOW EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER!

Okay, too obsessed.....sad that I live for Sunday nights.

Today I got my ass handed to me by a bunch of pensioners. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I would say that I am at the same skill level at Jean and Bobbie, who are probably around mid to late 70s. Awesome.

In a desperate attempt to find tennis buddies, my mom put a message up on the local online community board. And we got a response. M,W,F, Sat, 9:00. Weather depending. So I show up, all hung ho and excited. Scottie- we TOTALLY need to practice more!

In my defense, I haven't played since last summer. I have never played doubles, and I have never played the net. In fact, I avoid it. When Scottie and I slug it out, it's typically hard, baseline hits with both of us standing a good 2 or three feet behind the baseline. And we don't keep score. Both Jean and Bobbie, being over 70 ( dude, Jean was in a HIP brace for crying out loud!) don't really run. So they got aim on their side. And Jean is a BADASS at playing the net.

Thank god that at least I was better than the two housemoms who just swatted around. And the weird thing- in Edinburgh, my backhand is crap. Today, freaking BRILLIANT! My forehand? Sooooo terrible it should not even be talked about. Jean was trying to give me pointers. Ugh.

But at least I have a place to go and people to play with. I'm hoping that after a week of going 3 or 4 time, I'll fall back into a good rhythm and be able to kick those old peoples' asses!

Grrrrrrrr.

Ah, another wonderful outing with Grandma. She was already making me grind my teeth and threatening to commit homocide before we even got out of the driveway.
"I'm excited to go to Ross!"
"Uh huh"
"You know, your mom told me that there were all kinds of places to shop up here when she was trying to get me to move"
"Uh huh"
"She promised me that she would take me to Ross and that there was a Dollar Store up here, but she's never taken me."
"We're not going to the Dollar store, that's up in Grass Valley."
"Well your mom said there was one in down here"
"I'm sure there is, but I don't know where it is and I'm not going to go traipsing around town looking for one."
"Well I didin't say I wanted to go to one, only that there was one down here and that you mom promised me we'd go"
"Well if you didn't want to go to one, why did you bring it up?"
'Oh, I thought it would be fun to find it"
"I'm not going to look for one"
"I didn't say I wanted to go to one"
"Okay"

Then, we had another tipping incident. We ate at this Chinese Buffet that grandma is in love with, and it came to $15. When it was time to leave, granny whips out her purse and pulls out 65 cents in nickles and dimes.
"Grandma, we should leave at least $2"
"Well NOT my quarters! "

4 hours later, we finally go t back home.

Now, I'm no Indiana Jones/Bushman/Detective tracker, but I swore I could see the tire (tyre) tracks of the UPS truck imprinted in our rain-softened dirt/gravel driveway. So I was praying that my mom was home to sign for the delivery I was pretty sure arrived. Sure enough, when I brought all of grandma's shopping in, there it was on the kitchen counter...MY VISA! FINALLY!

After almost two months for what was quoted to be a 24 hour turn around time, I FINALLY GOT MY VISA! Entery clearance from 20/01/09-20/01/11

Wankers didn't backtrack it to NOW so that I could have my whole MONTH, but whatever. I'll take January, even though technically, it should totally read 01/02/09. The British Consulate: Taking you money, your soul, and a HUGE portion of your time.

One the most daunting experiences, I find, is the uncomfortable position you're in when you're at a restaurant in a foreign country. Not because you don't understand the menu and might inadvertently order fried chicken uterus ( fact: it's street food in Taiwan), but because of the questions that looms at the end of the meal- to tip or not to tip, and if so, how much?

As a foreigner in another country ( especially as an American), you don't want to NOT leave a tip and appear to be the 'bastard American prick who thinks they're too good to tip', nor do you want to leave a tip inappropriately and be ''that pretentious American who shows off their wealth by giving it to the 'little people'''.

I remember my first time visiting the UK back when I was a 19 year old adventurer, rebelliously refusing to spend Christmas and Christmas holiday with my emotionally unstable family. My best friend, some others, and I decided to venture forth for 2 rollicking weeks of hardcore...walking, picture taking, and cheap sandwich dinners alone in our hostels. Although we were of age, we were way too scared to enter those daunting and very imposing pubs, so we just walked past them talking about how we would totally go into one later that night, only to head back to our hostel at 7 to sit around until falling asleep. Bad ass.

Then one night our other accompanying friend Jenny decided that enough was enough, and since it was her birthday, she wanted to visit a pub, god damn it, and was determined to have a pint of something called 'cider'. We happened to be in a pinprick of a town called Stranraer at the time, and the only pubby places we could find was a 21 and over strip bar and another wee place that was completely empty. We went in the later and, and Jenny proceeded to order a birthday Steak Pie and pint on Strongbow, while the rest of us just sat there not knowing what to do- what to order, what to drink, and how we would cope if they ID'ed us. Which they didn't. In the end, I think our other traveling companion settled on some form of alcopop like VK while Melissy and I just sat there thinking how we were totally saving £5 by not eating or drinking anything and chomping down on our awesome cold pancakes and cheese when we got back to the hostel.

After Jenny had finished her hot meal, we were left with the uncomfortable unknown of 'do we tip or not?' A young couple had come in, ordered a pint, and then split, and we stared them down the entire time to see if they left any tip.
"Well, I don't see any tip"
"Yeah, but they just got drinks...what if you don't tip for drinks, but you have to for food?"
"What does the guide book say?"
"I left it at the hostel"
"Shit...so...do you want to ask the bartender?"
"God no! Let's just leave a pound and run away"

So we did. Jenny left a pound on the table and we ran out of there like we had stolen the Mona Lisa. It wasn't until I returned to the US and quizzed a Scottish exchange student that I learned that you don't tip at pubs, that students are not really expected to tip in general, and that the pound we left on the table was probably stolen by whatever NEDs wandered in after us. But we didn't know, so what were we to do?

However, I find that while Americans are more eager to tip, both at home and abroad, while those visiting the US are a bit more reserved. I remember when Scottie first came to America and we went out to dinner. He was comfortable leaving a 10% tip, but could not understand why anyone would ever leave more. I told him that 15% is standard in CA as a minimum tip. He claimed that such a custom was stupid, but accepted it as part of American life. In his view, a tip is only worth it if you get actual service. Being thrown in a booth at Dennys and served cold eggs was not worth 15%, but he wanted to fit in with Americans. On the other hand, my dad is an extensive tipper. After walking in on a Sex and the City marathon, he caught the scene where Samantha takes Lucy Lui out to lunch and impresses her with a 20% tip. From then on, he started tipping 20% as well.

I bring all this up because of what happened today with Grandma. Grandma took us out for lunch after a fun day at the eye doctors and 4 ginormous loads of laundry at the laundromat (yay for being in a drought and NOT having water). Our meal came to $27something. Grandma took out $30 and made to leave. I told my mom that $30 was on the really low end, and that we should add at least a dollar or two. Grandma interrupts, saying "Oh wait, let me use my change," and then proceeds to take out a fist full of pennies. Now, I understand that money is money, but seriously! Leaving pennies as a tip, in my mind, is TOTALLY demeaning. If I were a waitress, I would rather not get a tip than a tip of pennies. "No, grandma, you can't leave 7 cents in pennies" "Oh, were those pennies? I though I had some nickles and dimes in there!" But no one but grandma had any cash, so we left the < $3 tip and ran out. Sorry, waitress!

But as bad as grandma can be in the tip department, she can't even compare to her sister. I remember with Ol'Auntie took us out for lunch. She seriously did just leave change. I think she added a dollar, and then emptied out her change purse, leaving a total of like 68 cents. No quarters. When I cautiously remarked that leaving change was a bit odd, she remarked "Why? They're Asian! They need change for laundry!" We promptly ran out of there too before anyone else could hear any more racist remarks. And I just learned from my grandma that Ol' Auntie got recently scolded at by her 40 yr YOUNGER boyfriend for not leaving a large enough tip.

It's bad enough when you're in another country and don't know what to do after dinner, but it's even more embarrassing when you're in your own country and stuck with people who honestly can't see what is wrong with leaving a small pile of pennies.

FW: your uk visa

Dear Ms Shady,

Apologies for the error on your visa.

If you return your passport to my attention, I will affix the visa immediately.

Regards

The most awesomest person EVER!

I still don't want to officially celebrate until that sucker is clenched in my sweaty little hands, but Hallelujah, looks like I'm going HOME!

I know that there was probbaly over a million people excited to watch the superbowl today, but seriously, how can it even think of competing with the pure awesomeness of Being Human? That's right, Sunday also marked episode 2 of Being Human, and THANK JEBUS there is someone out there uploading it so that saddos trapped in the US can enjoy it THE SAME NIGHT IT AIRS IN THE UK. Genius!

There is no telling what I would do if I ever met the incredible angel who uploads those episodes...or the person who invented the whole streaming tv shows/movies ability. I would SO bake you an awesome cake. Hell, I would even throw in dinner for free too!

BBC Three, why oh why are you only making 6 episodes? Where you accidentally dropped on your head by big brother BBC One? Had your face sat on for too long and lost oxyen to the brain? ONLY SIX?!?! Dude, this is by far one of the best shows to grace the tv screen, especially compared to the load of wank Big Brother/Every other reality tv show out there. Divert funding from Davina's make up and hair jobs, and MAKE MORE EPISODES!!!

I can't believe I've been reduced to writing about tv shows, but it's been awhile since I was properly obsessed with one, and by god it's a good one!