There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

One the most daunting experiences, I find, is the uncomfortable position you're in when you're at a restaurant in a foreign country. Not because you don't understand the menu and might inadvertently order fried chicken uterus ( fact: it's street food in Taiwan), but because of the questions that looms at the end of the meal- to tip or not to tip, and if so, how much?

As a foreigner in another country ( especially as an American), you don't want to NOT leave a tip and appear to be the 'bastard American prick who thinks they're too good to tip', nor do you want to leave a tip inappropriately and be ''that pretentious American who shows off their wealth by giving it to the 'little people'''.

I remember my first time visiting the UK back when I was a 19 year old adventurer, rebelliously refusing to spend Christmas and Christmas holiday with my emotionally unstable family. My best friend, some others, and I decided to venture forth for 2 rollicking weeks of hardcore...walking, picture taking, and cheap sandwich dinners alone in our hostels. Although we were of age, we were way too scared to enter those daunting and very imposing pubs, so we just walked past them talking about how we would totally go into one later that night, only to head back to our hostel at 7 to sit around until falling asleep. Bad ass.

Then one night our other accompanying friend Jenny decided that enough was enough, and since it was her birthday, she wanted to visit a pub, god damn it, and was determined to have a pint of something called 'cider'. We happened to be in a pinprick of a town called Stranraer at the time, and the only pubby places we could find was a 21 and over strip bar and another wee place that was completely empty. We went in the later and, and Jenny proceeded to order a birthday Steak Pie and pint on Strongbow, while the rest of us just sat there not knowing what to do- what to order, what to drink, and how we would cope if they ID'ed us. Which they didn't. In the end, I think our other traveling companion settled on some form of alcopop like VK while Melissy and I just sat there thinking how we were totally saving £5 by not eating or drinking anything and chomping down on our awesome cold pancakes and cheese when we got back to the hostel.

After Jenny had finished her hot meal, we were left with the uncomfortable unknown of 'do we tip or not?' A young couple had come in, ordered a pint, and then split, and we stared them down the entire time to see if they left any tip.
"Well, I don't see any tip"
"Yeah, but they just got drinks...what if you don't tip for drinks, but you have to for food?"
"What does the guide book say?"
"I left it at the hostel"
"Shit...so...do you want to ask the bartender?"
"God no! Let's just leave a pound and run away"

So we did. Jenny left a pound on the table and we ran out of there like we had stolen the Mona Lisa. It wasn't until I returned to the US and quizzed a Scottish exchange student that I learned that you don't tip at pubs, that students are not really expected to tip in general, and that the pound we left on the table was probably stolen by whatever NEDs wandered in after us. But we didn't know, so what were we to do?

However, I find that while Americans are more eager to tip, both at home and abroad, while those visiting the US are a bit more reserved. I remember when Scottie first came to America and we went out to dinner. He was comfortable leaving a 10% tip, but could not understand why anyone would ever leave more. I told him that 15% is standard in CA as a minimum tip. He claimed that such a custom was stupid, but accepted it as part of American life. In his view, a tip is only worth it if you get actual service. Being thrown in a booth at Dennys and served cold eggs was not worth 15%, but he wanted to fit in with Americans. On the other hand, my dad is an extensive tipper. After walking in on a Sex and the City marathon, he caught the scene where Samantha takes Lucy Lui out to lunch and impresses her with a 20% tip. From then on, he started tipping 20% as well.

I bring all this up because of what happened today with Grandma. Grandma took us out for lunch after a fun day at the eye doctors and 4 ginormous loads of laundry at the laundromat (yay for being in a drought and NOT having water). Our meal came to $27something. Grandma took out $30 and made to leave. I told my mom that $30 was on the really low end, and that we should add at least a dollar or two. Grandma interrupts, saying "Oh wait, let me use my change," and then proceeds to take out a fist full of pennies. Now, I understand that money is money, but seriously! Leaving pennies as a tip, in my mind, is TOTALLY demeaning. If I were a waitress, I would rather not get a tip than a tip of pennies. "No, grandma, you can't leave 7 cents in pennies" "Oh, were those pennies? I though I had some nickles and dimes in there!" But no one but grandma had any cash, so we left the < $3 tip and ran out. Sorry, waitress!

But as bad as grandma can be in the tip department, she can't even compare to her sister. I remember with Ol'Auntie took us out for lunch. She seriously did just leave change. I think she added a dollar, and then emptied out her change purse, leaving a total of like 68 cents. No quarters. When I cautiously remarked that leaving change was a bit odd, she remarked "Why? They're Asian! They need change for laundry!" We promptly ran out of there too before anyone else could hear any more racist remarks. And I just learned from my grandma that Ol' Auntie got recently scolded at by her 40 yr YOUNGER boyfriend for not leaving a large enough tip.

It's bad enough when you're in another country and don't know what to do after dinner, but it's even more embarrassing when you're in your own country and stuck with people who honestly can't see what is wrong with leaving a small pile of pennies.