There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

Today I got my ass handed to me by a bunch of pensioners. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I would say that I am at the same skill level at Jean and Bobbie, who are probably around mid to late 70s. Awesome.

In a desperate attempt to find tennis buddies, my mom put a message up on the local online community board. And we got a response. M,W,F, Sat, 9:00. Weather depending. So I show up, all hung ho and excited. Scottie- we TOTALLY need to practice more!

In my defense, I haven't played since last summer. I have never played doubles, and I have never played the net. In fact, I avoid it. When Scottie and I slug it out, it's typically hard, baseline hits with both of us standing a good 2 or three feet behind the baseline. And we don't keep score. Both Jean and Bobbie, being over 70 ( dude, Jean was in a HIP brace for crying out loud!) don't really run. So they got aim on their side. And Jean is a BADASS at playing the net.

Thank god that at least I was better than the two housemoms who just swatted around. And the weird thing- in Edinburgh, my backhand is crap. Today, freaking BRILLIANT! My forehand? Sooooo terrible it should not even be talked about. Jean was trying to give me pointers. Ugh.

But at least I have a place to go and people to play with. I'm hoping that after a week of going 3 or 4 time, I'll fall back into a good rhythm and be able to kick those old peoples' asses!

Grrrrrrrr.

Ah, another wonderful outing with Grandma. She was already making me grind my teeth and threatening to commit homocide before we even got out of the driveway.
"I'm excited to go to Ross!"
"Uh huh"
"You know, your mom told me that there were all kinds of places to shop up here when she was trying to get me to move"
"Uh huh"
"She promised me that she would take me to Ross and that there was a Dollar Store up here, but she's never taken me."
"We're not going to the Dollar store, that's up in Grass Valley."
"Well your mom said there was one in down here"
"I'm sure there is, but I don't know where it is and I'm not going to go traipsing around town looking for one."
"Well I didin't say I wanted to go to one, only that there was one down here and that you mom promised me we'd go"
"Well if you didn't want to go to one, why did you bring it up?"
'Oh, I thought it would be fun to find it"
"I'm not going to look for one"
"I didn't say I wanted to go to one"
"Okay"

Then, we had another tipping incident. We ate at this Chinese Buffet that grandma is in love with, and it came to $15. When it was time to leave, granny whips out her purse and pulls out 65 cents in nickles and dimes.
"Grandma, we should leave at least $2"
"Well NOT my quarters! "

4 hours later, we finally go t back home.

Now, I'm no Indiana Jones/Bushman/Detective tracker, but I swore I could see the tire (tyre) tracks of the UPS truck imprinted in our rain-softened dirt/gravel driveway. So I was praying that my mom was home to sign for the delivery I was pretty sure arrived. Sure enough, when I brought all of grandma's shopping in, there it was on the kitchen counter...MY VISA! FINALLY!

After almost two months for what was quoted to be a 24 hour turn around time, I FINALLY GOT MY VISA! Entery clearance from 20/01/09-20/01/11

Wankers didn't backtrack it to NOW so that I could have my whole MONTH, but whatever. I'll take January, even though technically, it should totally read 01/02/09. The British Consulate: Taking you money, your soul, and a HUGE portion of your time.

One the most daunting experiences, I find, is the uncomfortable position you're in when you're at a restaurant in a foreign country. Not because you don't understand the menu and might inadvertently order fried chicken uterus ( fact: it's street food in Taiwan), but because of the questions that looms at the end of the meal- to tip or not to tip, and if so, how much?

As a foreigner in another country ( especially as an American), you don't want to NOT leave a tip and appear to be the 'bastard American prick who thinks they're too good to tip', nor do you want to leave a tip inappropriately and be ''that pretentious American who shows off their wealth by giving it to the 'little people'''.

I remember my first time visiting the UK back when I was a 19 year old adventurer, rebelliously refusing to spend Christmas and Christmas holiday with my emotionally unstable family. My best friend, some others, and I decided to venture forth for 2 rollicking weeks of hardcore...walking, picture taking, and cheap sandwich dinners alone in our hostels. Although we were of age, we were way too scared to enter those daunting and very imposing pubs, so we just walked past them talking about how we would totally go into one later that night, only to head back to our hostel at 7 to sit around until falling asleep. Bad ass.

Then one night our other accompanying friend Jenny decided that enough was enough, and since it was her birthday, she wanted to visit a pub, god damn it, and was determined to have a pint of something called 'cider'. We happened to be in a pinprick of a town called Stranraer at the time, and the only pubby places we could find was a 21 and over strip bar and another wee place that was completely empty. We went in the later and, and Jenny proceeded to order a birthday Steak Pie and pint on Strongbow, while the rest of us just sat there not knowing what to do- what to order, what to drink, and how we would cope if they ID'ed us. Which they didn't. In the end, I think our other traveling companion settled on some form of alcopop like VK while Melissy and I just sat there thinking how we were totally saving £5 by not eating or drinking anything and chomping down on our awesome cold pancakes and cheese when we got back to the hostel.

After Jenny had finished her hot meal, we were left with the uncomfortable unknown of 'do we tip or not?' A young couple had come in, ordered a pint, and then split, and we stared them down the entire time to see if they left any tip.
"Well, I don't see any tip"
"Yeah, but they just got drinks...what if you don't tip for drinks, but you have to for food?"
"What does the guide book say?"
"I left it at the hostel"
"Shit...so...do you want to ask the bartender?"
"God no! Let's just leave a pound and run away"

So we did. Jenny left a pound on the table and we ran out of there like we had stolen the Mona Lisa. It wasn't until I returned to the US and quizzed a Scottish exchange student that I learned that you don't tip at pubs, that students are not really expected to tip in general, and that the pound we left on the table was probably stolen by whatever NEDs wandered in after us. But we didn't know, so what were we to do?

However, I find that while Americans are more eager to tip, both at home and abroad, while those visiting the US are a bit more reserved. I remember when Scottie first came to America and we went out to dinner. He was comfortable leaving a 10% tip, but could not understand why anyone would ever leave more. I told him that 15% is standard in CA as a minimum tip. He claimed that such a custom was stupid, but accepted it as part of American life. In his view, a tip is only worth it if you get actual service. Being thrown in a booth at Dennys and served cold eggs was not worth 15%, but he wanted to fit in with Americans. On the other hand, my dad is an extensive tipper. After walking in on a Sex and the City marathon, he caught the scene where Samantha takes Lucy Lui out to lunch and impresses her with a 20% tip. From then on, he started tipping 20% as well.

I bring all this up because of what happened today with Grandma. Grandma took us out for lunch after a fun day at the eye doctors and 4 ginormous loads of laundry at the laundromat (yay for being in a drought and NOT having water). Our meal came to $27something. Grandma took out $30 and made to leave. I told my mom that $30 was on the really low end, and that we should add at least a dollar or two. Grandma interrupts, saying "Oh wait, let me use my change," and then proceeds to take out a fist full of pennies. Now, I understand that money is money, but seriously! Leaving pennies as a tip, in my mind, is TOTALLY demeaning. If I were a waitress, I would rather not get a tip than a tip of pennies. "No, grandma, you can't leave 7 cents in pennies" "Oh, were those pennies? I though I had some nickles and dimes in there!" But no one but grandma had any cash, so we left the < $3 tip and ran out. Sorry, waitress!

But as bad as grandma can be in the tip department, she can't even compare to her sister. I remember with Ol'Auntie took us out for lunch. She seriously did just leave change. I think she added a dollar, and then emptied out her change purse, leaving a total of like 68 cents. No quarters. When I cautiously remarked that leaving change was a bit odd, she remarked "Why? They're Asian! They need change for laundry!" We promptly ran out of there too before anyone else could hear any more racist remarks. And I just learned from my grandma that Ol' Auntie got recently scolded at by her 40 yr YOUNGER boyfriend for not leaving a large enough tip.

It's bad enough when you're in another country and don't know what to do after dinner, but it's even more embarrassing when you're in your own country and stuck with people who honestly can't see what is wrong with leaving a small pile of pennies.

FW: your uk visa

Dear Ms Shady,

Apologies for the error on your visa.

If you return your passport to my attention, I will affix the visa immediately.

Regards

The most awesomest person EVER!

I still don't want to officially celebrate until that sucker is clenched in my sweaty little hands, but Hallelujah, looks like I'm going HOME!

I know that there was probbaly over a million people excited to watch the superbowl today, but seriously, how can it even think of competing with the pure awesomeness of Being Human? That's right, Sunday also marked episode 2 of Being Human, and THANK JEBUS there is someone out there uploading it so that saddos trapped in the US can enjoy it THE SAME NIGHT IT AIRS IN THE UK. Genius!

There is no telling what I would do if I ever met the incredible angel who uploads those episodes...or the person who invented the whole streaming tv shows/movies ability. I would SO bake you an awesome cake. Hell, I would even throw in dinner for free too!

BBC Three, why oh why are you only making 6 episodes? Where you accidentally dropped on your head by big brother BBC One? Had your face sat on for too long and lost oxyen to the brain? ONLY SIX?!?! Dude, this is by far one of the best shows to grace the tv screen, especially compared to the load of wank Big Brother/Every other reality tv show out there. Divert funding from Davina's make up and hair jobs, and MAKE MORE EPISODES!!!

I can't believe I've been reduced to writing about tv shows, but it's been awhile since I was properly obsessed with one, and by god it's a good one!