There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

So once upon a time I had this friend in High School. He was funny, super cool to hang out with, and we got along really really well in that God-I-Love-Hanging-Out-With-You-But-Not-In-That-Boyfriend/Girlfriend-Kind-Of-Way. This guy was the type you never felt embarrassed asking to Turnabout or Prom (and possibly Homecoming) when you had no one ask you and were surrounded by all your happy couple friends.

Anyway, I have not spoken to this guy in 4 years, save that one time 3 years ago when I ran into him and his mom on my way to get a sandwich on my lunch break and we talked for 3 minutes. Nada. He's not even on facebook or anything like that, so as far as I know, he could be dead, married, missing a limb, and I would have no idea. Right. So then today, I wake up from my slumber at 5:55am, hit the power button on my laptop, and go about my waking up routine while it warms it ancient self up. Once dressed and in the process of munching on cereal, I open my mailbox and low and behold.

Subject: How's life
So there's been this peculiar smell brewing near the copy machine at my work. It's affecting people's ability to work and no one can locate the source. In the adjacent room is a fish tank and Jim, our company fish, has apparently gone missing. It instantly became obvious that my boss threw Jim into the copy machine and stuffed his tiny body in the gears to conceal his ill doings.
He's been known to kill small animals and it's rumored he has bodies in his basement. No one will ever know what became of Jim, but under the copy machine were two dead rotting rats, holding hands, and crawling with maggots.
I love my job.

Tell me a story


That's it. After over 4 years of not talking, not exchaning an e-mail, and IM, anything. But it totally sums up my relationship with this guy and the kind of person he is. Ridiculous, hilarious, and making me laugh and be happy I know him.

Tell me a story.

How do you top that? I don't. I can't. So instead I also bleather about work.

Re: How's Life?
About a week ago, what I assumed was a female approached me at the reception desk of the hospital where I worked and asked me to phone Tanya for her to get her work schedule. She was a new nurse about to start work, so I phoned through and didn't think anything of it until she actually started working. Yesterday was her first day on the job, and as one of the other nurses brought her around to meet me, she introduced herself as Gordon. 'Hmm,' I thought, 'Well, in this day and age...I suppose some women prefer the name Gordon.....After all, Lexy changed her name to Alex.' But I couldn't help but wonder....what gender did it belong to and what was its original sex? Feminine voice, feminine facial features.....butch manly crew cut...could definitely get away with wearing flannel it flannel lumber jack shirts existed in the UK....something that could either pass off as super tiny titties or just normal sized moobs for a person that size....

I wanted to make it my secret investigation- discover its gender. All day on the way to work today I obsessed over what questions I could ask it without sounding too obvious. Would a butch lesbo answer differently than a gay man? Than a straight man? Than a straight woman? Sports? Cooking? Fashion? Cars? How do you lead a person into revealing what gender they identify with without sounding like prying douche?

Alas, before I could set my machinations in to action, Gordon approached me this morning, apparently to reintroduce himself as I was entering patient data into the computer.

'Hi, I'm Gordon.'
'Yes, I remember, how are you?'
'Good. I'm a trans-male. I'm not quite there yet, but hopefully in a few months you'll start seeing some real changes.'
'Ah. Well, if I'm around that long, I'm only a temp.'

And off went Gordon and there went a whole days worth of plans to spy, pry, and gleen.



So...tell me a story