There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

Let's get one thing out there right now. I belive in evolution. Hardcore. I most certainly do not believe that Jesus rode a dinosaur.

I also believe that chemicals and poisioning the earth will result in some fucked up shit. Like this:


Yes. That is a snake. A snake with a CLAW OF DEATH!!

Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.

"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.

Working it sway along the wall using his claw. WTF! Now, snakes are alreay scary enough with their silent, slithering-ness and their fanes of venemous death. The last thing we need is to have snakes with claws able to abilsail walls, ceilings, and bite your face off all the while clawing your innerds out.

My flat must be en route to a popular cemetery because I have seen multiple Hearses drive by on a daily basis.
These babies don't do that whole curtain in the windows thing- nope, you get what you see. A big ol' coffin sitting in the back with a guy in a top hat sitting behind the wheel. This whole notion of showing the whole world a coffin filled with your deceased kinda fascinates me. I mean, I'm pretty sure that most of the population, minding their own business and possibly thinking about butterflies, puppies, and ice cream will have to suppress a slight shudder and slightly more morbid thoughts upon seeing a big ol' Hearse roll by. So why subject that to other? Are you forcing innocent bystanders to stop and give pause for your dead [insert relation here]? For all we know, they were tax evading, abusive, alcoholic, drug users who died cheating on their partner in the bed of a child. Who knows?

But the process of a death processional and public displays of the dead are an ancient and common practice. Why? I know that in a lot of societies, public grieving, offerings, and sacrifices is seen as a sign of respect of the dead, their accomplishments in life, and to get on their good side in the event that the living need some supernatural help in the unforeseen future. But in these circumstances, it seems like the communities where these public displays take place are small, the dead was well known within the community, and therefore their death was something in did in someway affect everyone. But in large, Western cities, where no one really even knows their neighbour, are public displays of the dead still required?

I remember I was in downtown San Diego for St. Patricks one year and came across a large night-time funeral procession....I still don't know if it was real or what the hell it was. Basically, these dudes in antiquated black suits carried a simple black wooden coffin around the streets of the Gaslamp district while a large processional of people equally dressed in antiquated black garb followed CRYING THEIR EYES OUT, wailing, and looking very melancholy while some dude on a bodhran mournfully kept time. It was very strange and hard to go celebrate drunken debauchery after witnessing something like that.

Why? Why bring everyone's day down with something like that? Or maybe I'm just a much more inverted sufferer and don't really want to expose my grievances to the world.

The same day the Hearse was stopped in traffice in front of my flatwas also the same day a crinimal bus got stopped in front.
This big prison on wheels was longer than the one above and had about 8 little black windows set about 8 feet about ground, or basically eye-level with me in my flat. Suddenly, I heard all the loud thumping and bumping. It took me a sec to realise that the prisoners inside the bus could see me and were trying to break the windows down to get some attention. Some dude walking by gave the bus a wave, which caused even more raucous. I swear, it was more like there was a wild bear loose in there fighting with a baby triceratops. AND THEY WERE WATCHING ME!

So, while killing time, waiting for my awesome carrot cake to bake, I came across this amazing little contraption. Okay, I didn't actually find, it, I saw it on one of my other favourite blogs , but that's beside the point.

It's a sword. That is cleverly hidden in your belt. And naturally, you must be naked to use it.

Click here for the mind blowing video of how a hot, naked chick like yourself might use this ninja sword to protect yourself from those lecherous, poon-obsessed rapists who keep trying to take pictures of your hot, naked self.


Now that is totally McNinja.

And for those of you who aren't swayed by the naked chick to immediately go out and buy this little lethal beauty, then there are also videos of a Medical Student and an 85 year old grandmother, as well as some man named 'RazorMan'- because obviously something this ninja appeals to a wide demographic.