There Ain't No Devil, It's Just God When He's Drunk

I am, for the most part, very happy with my body. Yeah, I know I need to lose the stone I put on thanks to dissertation stress/never leaving the computer for 3 months, and yeah, I could also do with losing another stone which I gained after returning to America after my year long study abroad in the UK the first time around. BUT, that aside, for the most part I am not that fussed.

That is until last week. And it's not so much a desire to be thin but because I'm a cheap ass bastard who had a revelation: Skinny chicks spend less money. And spending less money means having more in the bank.

How did this come about? Friction. You see, as I was sitting down on the couch one day, I realised that my thigh friction had caused my jeans to weaken to the point that they started to disintegrate and form holes. This meant I needed to buy another pair of jeans. But hold up, these jeans I was in were not that old. I mean, I purchased them in December of last year- they were only 10 months old. And they were Levis. LEVI JEANS SHOULD LAST LONGER THAN LESS THAN A YEAR!!!!!

Then it hit me- those girls, the ones who fall over when someone sneezes, have 'the gap'- that space between the legs where their thighs don't touch and their crotch is free to feel the breezes, unhindered by any wobbly bits. I have never had this in my life, even when I wore a size 3 in the Juniors section when I was 13. My thighs have always touched. But girls with 'the gap' don't get thigh friction and can probably make a pair of Levis last for years. Heck, they probably don't even need to buy new jeans EVER because nothing on their bodies would ever generate enough friction to cause jeans to disintegrate- except for maybe their spindly kneeds poking through, and even that nowadays in considered trendy.

But it goes beyond frictionless clothes. As a knitter, I am having to always spend just a little bit more to buy those one or two extra skeins of wool to make the medium patterns. Chicks in the XS-S range get to spend less on yarn- and those extra yards can add up to an extra hat or set of mittens!

They take up less space in bed which means they can get by fine in a single bed, and can even share that with a partner because heck- they're so skinny that if they lie sidways, it's like they're not even there. And single beds and all their bed linen accoutrements is significantly cheaper than buying for a double or larger.

Since they're smaller, it also means their clothes are smaller, which in turn means they can pack more clothes into a suitcase. This means it's cheaper for them to fly on those budget airlines which charge for cases/weight.

Overall, this means that skinny chicks should be saving bank, and that just pisses me off because I am Skinty McSkink face over here who had to sacrifice getting a hair cut (it's been 4 months now, the hair is looking bad!) in order to replace the 10 month old jeans thanks to my thunder thighs. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know I just posted about wanting shoes and dresses, but I can't seem to tear myself away from the idea of spending money I don't have. This time around, I think I have convinced myself that I do actually truly need this.

You see, the weather in Edinburgh is slowly changing...getting closer to 20c rather than 10, and I it's getting to the point where my big ol' heavy wool coat is now transforming me into a sweaty pig everytime I walk more than two blocks. It doesn't help that Edinburgh has an almost mystical way of being humid AND cold at the same time, so wearing the big coat is just making me smell faster. But it's still too cold to be outside without some form of extra protection (and I neurotically need to always have a coat-like thing on me to hide my belly from the public).

Solution: Buy a jacket! A nice, lightweight one that will keep the artic winds bite at bay while also not overheating me.

Man, why as I so good at talking myself into things? Is there a term for self-peer pressure?

As per usual, I start craving expensive items during periods of extreme poverty. Why must the Powers That Be inflict such strong desires for retail therapy when there is absolutely no way I can afford it? It's very evil. Evil, cruel, and masochistic me just has to exacerbate it by 'looking' online for all the lovelies that I can't afford. Because I am pretty sure that I would have NO restraint if I were to actually enter a shop and see these shiny, pretty objects in person. Shiny, pretty objects, specifically shoes. My new crack: Irregular Choice.
Also, the sun has finally started peeking out from behind the blankets of clouds, and that immediately sets every Edinburgian's mind on the upcoming spring/summer seasons. And that means that even though the wind chill factor is still freezing the city in 8 Celsius temperatures, the fact that the sun is shining is causing everyone to bust out the skirts and dresses. And I fall into that category that goes 'Oh my god! Sun! I want to wear a dress! I don't have a dress! Must buy dress for sun frolicking fun!' Luckily for me, the British are flooding the dress market with 'tulip' inspired styles- aka, they add exceeding poof to the hips and ass, and then taper down. They have the uncanny ability to make the size 0 mannequin appear chubby. Seriously: why would you do that? Esp. if you're someone like me who is normally bell shaped and is trying to slim down the ol' hips. So thankfully my hips and wallet are going to be spared this time around...but that little nagging voice is always going to be reminding me that I should be looking for that flowery, light, summery dress...while the other little nagging voice reminds the first one that the only thing abiding in my wallet are a few moths resting on a small handful of coppers.