Friday, 7 August 2009

Can't be British

Shanked by Leashie on Friday, August 07, 2009

This REALLY hacks me off- the Powers That Be over at our good friends Immigration have decided to administer a test to all people wishing to acquire British Citizenship. Now, there are certain elements that I do agree with, such as, if you are willing to change your nationality, then you should be fluent in the dominant language of that country. I would definitely expect me to learn Spanish and probably Quechua if i wanted to be an official citizen of Peru. So I got that one covered for UK life. But what about the other questions? These are the ones chosen by the BBC:

Question 1
Life in the UK says to be British means you should...
A: "Respect laws, the elected political structures, traditional values of mutual tolerance and respect for rights and mutual concern."
B: "Share in the history and culture of an island nation with a character moulded by many different peoples over more than two thousand years."
C: "be part of a modern European democracy, one with a tradition of sharing our ways with the world – and allowing the world to bring its ways to us."
Question 2
Almost 60m people live in the UK. By what factor do the native-born English outnumber their Scots or Welsh neighbours?
A: By nine to one
B: By seven to one
C: By six to one
Question 3
"The origins of our Parliament were in the early Middle Ages. In 1215 the great barons forced rights from a tyrannical King John". What is that document called?
A: The Mappa Mundi
B: The Magna Carta
C: The Bill of Rights
Question 4
When did all 18-year-olds get the vote?
A: 1918
B: 1928
C: 1969
Question 5
There are four national saints' days in the UK, one for each nation. Which order do they fall in the calendar?
A: St Andrews, St Patrick's, St David's and St George's
B: St David's, St Patrick's, St George's and St Andrews
C: St George's, St Patrick's, St Andrews and St David's
Question 6
According to Life in the UK, where does Father Christmas come from?
A: Lapland
B: Iceland
C: The North Pole
Question 7
According to the book, where does the myth of Father Christmas come from?
A: The Victorians
B: Pagan myths updated by Shakespeare
C: German/Swedish immigrants to the USA
Question 8
Life in the UK explains what to do if you spill someone's pint in the pub (we're not making this up). What, according to the book, usually happens next?
A: You would offer to buy the person another pint
B: You would offer to dry their wet shirt with your own
C: You may need to prepare for a fight in the car park
Question 9
You've unfortunately had that fight and are bleeding from a well-placed left hook. Which two telephone numbers can you call for an ambulance?
A: 999 or 112
B: 999 or 111
C: 999 or any other digit three times
Question 10
What or who is PG (again, according to the guide)?
A: One of the brand names for the national British drink, tea
B: A Personal Guide, a British-born mentor provided to each immigrant applying for nationality
C: Part of the cinema film classification system
Question 11
The British are a nation of animal lovers, says Life in the UK. What must dog owners do?
A: Get a licence
B: Get the dog neutered
C: Get a collar with the owner's name and address
Question 12
Back to that pub. The police turn up with the ambulance and an officer asks you to attend an interview at the station. What are your rights?
A: You don't have to go if you are not arrested, but if you do go voluntarily you are free to leave at any time
B: You must go. Failure to attend an interview is an arrestable offence
C: You must go if you are a foreign national
Question 13
What's the minimum time you must have been married before you can divorce?
A: Six months
B: One year
C: Two years
Question 14
And finally, what does Life in the UK tell you it is "very important" to do when engaging a solicitor?
A: Ask if they have a potential conflict of interest
B: Ensure they are qualified in the area of law of concern
C: Find out how much they charge

Now, I've been here 5 years. 5 years!!
So how did I do? And mind you, I did have to ask My Honey for help on a few...

Life in the UK says to be British means you should... I picked C...because with all the broohaha about the EU, I figured that was what they were after, although in my opinion, it should have been ALL OF THE ABOVE

A: "Respect laws, the elected political structures, traditional values of mutual tolerance and respect for rights and mutual concern."
B: "Share in the history and culture of an island nation with a character moulded by many different peoples over more than two thousand years."
C: "be part of a modern European democracy, one with a tradition of sharing our ways with the world � and allowing the world to bring its ways to us."

The answer was A

Question 2
Almost 60m people live in the UK. By what factor do the native-born English outnumber their Scots or Welsh neighbours?
A: By nine to one
B: By seven to one
C: By six to one

The answer was A

Question 3
"The origins of our Parliament were in the early Middle Ages. In 1215 the great barons forced rights from a tyrannical King John". What is that document called?
A: The Mappa Mundi
B: The Magna Carta
C: The Bill of Rights

The answer was B
The Answer is B. The Mappa Mundi is an ancient map of the world held at Hereford Cathedral and the Bill of Rights came later in 1689.
Question 4
When did all 18-year-olds get the vote? I chose 1928...because i figured that was around when women in the US were given the right to vote and that maybe that whole go to war thing post WWI would make it leagal for war going youths to vote. Nope.
A: 1918
B: 1928
C: 1969

The answer was C
The answer is C. Women over 30-years-old got the vote in 1918. Ten years later the law equalised the franchise for all men and women over 21. In 1969 the then Labour government lowered the voting age to 18.
Question 5
There are four national saints' days in the UK, one for each nation. Which order do they fall in the calendar? I KNEW that St. Patricks day is March 17 (almost an American holiday), and that St. Andrew's is in November, but I had NO Idea where the other days fell. My Honey was incredibly wrong in asking if there was a St. Georges, St. Andrews, St. Patricks combo.
A: St Andrews, St Patrick's, St David's and St George's
B: St David's, St Patrick's, St George's and St Andrews
C: St George's, St Patrick's, St Andrews and St David's

The answer was B
The dates are 1 March (David for Wales), 17 March (Patrick for N Ireland), 23 April (George for England) and 30 November (Andrew for Scotland)
Question 6
According to Life in the UK, where does Father Christmas come from? I asked My Honey TWICE if it was Lapland. And then I made fun of him for NEVER seeing any of the American movies which clearly state that Santa is from the North Pole. Because he totally is. But My Honey was insistant. Bastard.
A: Lapland
B: Iceland
C: The North Pole

The answer was C

Question 7
According to the book, where does the myth of Father Christmas come from? This is another one I am kicking myself for. I KNEW it was immigrants to the US and I even had that ticked, but then I started second guessing myself and said 'well, if the Victorians introcuded the Christmas Tree, maybe they brought the Santa story too.'
A: The Victorians
B: Pagan myths updated by Shakespeare
C: German/Swedish immigrants to the USA

The answer was C
This is a hotly disputed issue, not least because of the role of the Coca Cola Company in updating the legend in the early 20th Century.
Question 8
Life in the UK explains what to do if you spill someone's pint in the pub (we're not making this up). What, according to the book, usually happens next?
A: You would offer to buy the person another pint
B: You would offer to dry their wet shirt with your own
C: You may need to prepare for a fight in the car park

The answer was A
Manners should prevail, says the guide, saying it would be "prudent" to buy a replacement.
Question 9
You've unfortunately had that fight and are bleeding from a well-placed left hook. Which two telephone numbers can you call for an ambulance? Right but cheated- I had to ask my Honey which one it was, 112 or 111
A: 999 or 112
B: 999 or 111
C: 999 or any other digit three times

The answer was A
The UK introduced the 112 number to help foreign visitors who may not know that 999 is the main emergency number.
Question 10
What or who is PG (again, according to the guide)?
A: One of the brand names for the national British drink, tea
B: A Personal Guide, a British-born mentor provided to each immigrant applying for nationality
C: Part of the cinema film classification system

The answer was C
It means Parental Guidance and applies to films where viewing is at the discretion of the parent. The other classifications are U, 12, 15 and 18.
Question 11
The British are a nation of animal lovers, says Life in the UK. What must dog owners do? Once again, ALL OF THE ABOVE would have been real nice to see
A: Get a licence
B: Get the dog neutered
C: Get a collar with the owner's name and address

The answer was C
The answer is C. Dog licences were abolished in 1987, but Life in the UK says there is still an obligation for a dog to wear a collar with the appropriate details.
Question 12
Back to that pub. The police turn up with the ambulance and an officer asks you to attend an interview at the station. What are your rights?
A: You don't have to go if you are not arrested, but if you do go voluntarily you are free to leave at any time
B: You must go. Failure to attend an interview is an arrestable offence
C: You must go if you are a foreign national

The answer was A

Question 13
What's the minimum time you must have been married before you can divorce?
A: Six months
B: One year
C: Two years

The answer was B

Question 14
And finally, what does Life in the UK tell you it is "very important" to do when engaging a solicitor?
A: Ask if they have a potential conflict of interest
B: Ensure they are qualified in the area of law of concern
C: Find out how much they charge

The answer was C
I'm sorry- find out how much they charge is more important than finding out if they are qualified?!?! No wonder no one sues anyone in this country- no one is qualified to do it.


So there we go. I only got 6 out of 14 correct and am PISSING MYSELF SCARED that I am going to fail this test if and when I take it. Especially if they ask inane and reDUNKulous questions like those. Because you're not really British unless you know where Santa comes from. Especially if it's a Santa YOU STOLE from the Americans. God, I wish this test were essay format. I FAIL miserably on multiple choice, but somehow do insanely brilliantly on essay. Fucking British Citizen test.

 

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